TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: give Anyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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